"Kevin, are you saying I need to go to Networking events? I hope not because I hate them."

No, of course you don't have to go to them. You could stay home or sit in your office. But if you choose to not go, you won't have the chance to learn something, to help others, to get new ideas, maybe generate some new Clients, and yes, meet new people.

"But Kevin, I don't do well at these events, I am too self conscious and besides, you know I am shy."











It is true, some people aren't as outgoing as others, but I highly doubt that anyone reading this is a hermit. We all like to be around people. As for the self conscious part, well, that is what the rest of this article is about. Read on.

I hear all sorts of excuses for not going to networking events:

"I already know all those people." "I have other things to do anyway." "Everyone there is in a clique - I won't have anyone to talk to." "I hate those things." "I get scared." "I don't know what to wear." "I don't know what to say or talk about." ... feel free to add your excuses here.

That's right - they are excuses, or they are based on misinformation about what networking is or can be.











You will have the most fun and gain the most from networking opportunities when you stop worrying about yourself, what you are going to say and what you are going to wear. (Here's a hint, no one really cares what you are wearing, as long as your clothes don't stand out as too casual or too flashy - get dressed and get over it.)

Networking is about forming relationships and forming relationships works best when you remember Dale Carnegie's admonition, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Rephrased by Kevin for networking success - be interested, not interesting.

Once you understand that networking events are about meeting and learning about others and their interests and activities, rather than trying to perform (or remember our ever- important 30 second statement of what we do), many of the excuses above go away.

Be interested - ask questions about people's business, how they got involved, what sets them apart, what they love about it. Ask about their perfect Client, their interests and their family. As you listen see what connections you can make for them to help them reach their goals.

By being interested we lessen the fear concerns. By being interested we become less self conscious. By being interested we form relationships.

Being interested means remaining interested and following up with people afterwards. If you promised to get them someone's phone number, the name of that book you are reading, or introduce them to someone, do it right away. You will be seen as a person of your word, but you will reinforce your interest in the other person.

While it may sound paradoxical, by being interested in others, they become more interested in our success and us as well. You will have created a double win - you will gain from the networking experience as much or more than you gave, all because you gave first.

It all starts with being interested. Invest in your success by investing first in others. Try it soon - go to that networking event or cocktail party or social mixer on your calendar. Try my simple rule as a test, even if you aren't completely convinced yet.

I'll be interested to hear your results!

Essential to your success as an effective, engaging communicator is learning not only what to say, but what not to say. The following guide examines several sentences, phrases and questions that stand in your way of connecting and communicating with confidence.

Do you remember me?
If you walk up to someone and the first words out of your mouth are, "Do you remember me?" I guarantee you will
a) make them feel uncomfortable,
b) pressure them into giving an answer, and
c) cause them to lose face when they regretfully tell you they can't seem to remember who you are.











Some people are good with names; others are good with faces; while others can't seem to recall a single person they've ever met in their lives. But no matter what type of memory a person has, "forgetting someone" is one of the most embarrassing feelings anyone can experience - especially if they've met you several times before.

Therefore, if you know someone doesn't remember you, rescue them. Just tell them who you are. Odds are, deep down they'll be signing, "Oh thank God he told me his name - I didn't want to ask!"

SUCCESS STRATEGY #1: "Hi! I'm Scott with Front Porch Productions - we met last month at the Chamber Meeting when Carol introduced us."

Here's my card…
The rule of business cards is: don't give it to anyone who doesn't ask for it. It's presumptuous. Sadly, the exchange of business cards is a ritual that our culture has de-formalized over the past 20 years. Some high-context cultures like the Japanese view this as a sacred business ritual.

So for conversational effectiveness, don't assume that somebody wants your card. Think about it: how many times has someone given you one of their cards - without asking - to which you thought to yourself, "Okay…and what do you want me to do with this?"











SUCCESS STRATEGY#2: "May I give you one of my cards?"

How's work going?
According to CNN.com, the US rate of unemployment in September of 2004 was somewhere between five and six percent. Unfortunately, those are just the reported cases. So don't overlook the possibility that the person you're talking to is unemployed, was recently fired or is in the process of finding a new job.

Asking someone "How's work going?" is an assumption. And if you utter this phrase, it may necessitate a shoehorn the size of Shaquille O'Neal to get your foot out of your mouth. Instead, ask less specific, yet open ended questions that empower an engaging response.

SUCCESS STRATEGY #3: "What are you working on this week?"

Can you believe the weather?
I've read almost every book on starting conversations, mingling, breaking the ice, networking and meeting people - and I have yet to find one that doesn't say:

"Talking about the weather is always a good way to start a conversation."

No it isn't. It's a terrible way. And just because everyone uses it doesn't make it effective. Starting a conversation about the weather means you've settled for starting a conversation about the weather! This makes your conversation partner feel like you've settled for them too. And every time you do it, you show the other person that you aren't a good enough conversationalist to talk about anything other than the weather.

But I have faith in you. You can do better than that.

SUCCESS STRATEGY #4: "What was the best part about your weekend?"

Are you a new member?
There's only one feeling worse that forgetting someone: devaluing someone. In your organization, club, business or association - there are bound to be dozens, possibly even hundreds of members you've never met. That's okay. You can't keep a tab on everybody. People come in and out of organizations all the time, and not everyone comes to every meeting.

So don't assume that someone is a newbie simply because you don't know them. Even if you think "Oh, I know everybody," there are always people on the fringes. Perhaps they joined the organization five years ago. Maybe they've been out of town for a few months or their schedule conflicts with certain meetings or events.

SUCCESS STRATEGY #5: "I don't believe we've met before - my name's Scott."

Some people don't think before they speak, and the price to pay is at the expense of their partner's conversational comfort. But if you avoid these five communication barriers, you will be certain to make the other person you're engaging with feel welcome and valued.

Every conversation, interaction and encounter has some kind of emotional effect on both parties:


How you feel about yourself
How you feel about others
How others feel about you
How others feel about themselves
Jean de la Bruyere said, "The great gift of conversation lies less in displaying it ourselves than in drawing it out of others. He who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own cleverness is perfectly well pleased with you."


To solidify this element, ask yourself the following seven questions. If you can answer them while connecting with new people, you will be certain to become unforgettable!











How comfortable is the other person?
The most socially gracious people are those who make others feel comfortable. But comfort can be broken into two parts: level and touch.

First let's talk about level. When interacting with someone, always synchronize your posture both vertically and horizontally. For example, if one person is sitting, the other should do the same.

One group of people who understand the value of synchronizing their posture is food servers. I remember eating at my local Steak 'N Shake in St. Louis last year during a very busy time of night. My server - and also everyone else's server - was running around the understaffed restaurant like a mad man. He finally came to my table and, once he caught his breath, introduced himself and sat down.

"I can't stand up anymore - it's too crazy! Anyway, you must be Scott, right?" he joked as he pat my shoulder, "Well I'm Brian. What can I get for you?"

As Brian sat eye to eye with me I felt connected to him. I even felt his pain - he was the only server in the place, but he still managed to adjust to my level.

Psychologically, level adjustments like this are one of many factors that contribute to an average increase in tips. I worked in food service for many years and never encountered a manager who didn't remind us of this tactic. But my managers also encouraged another practice that was effective for first impression - and tip - management: touch.

This is the second component to making the other person feel comfortable. Especially when it comes to handshakes, high-fives, shoulder brushes and pats on the back, incorporating the slightest bit of touch will make people feel more connected to you.

How can you make the other person feel superior to you?
One of my favorite Emerson quotations is, "Every man is my superior in some way, and in that, I learn of him."











So, when you first meet someone, a great tip is to tell them how much you've learned from them in the short time you've talked. Thank them for enlightening you. Even write down suggestions, tips, names or things they told you right in front of them. Remember, people hate those who make them feel their own inferiority.

Do they feel like they already know you?
If you ever hear someone say, "God I feel like we've known each other for years!" or "We really seemed to hit it off!" you're on the right track to making an unforgettable first impression.

But you can't get to this point in the conversation without self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is the process of making yourself manifest to another. It starts with little pieces of information like your name, but as you locate the CPI and share your opinions and attitudes, you will find that the other person will reciprocate the same back to you. This norm of reciprocity is another way of saying, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Now, be careful here. Say the wrong thing and you might hear one of the most annoying, overused clichés of the past 10 years come out of your conversation partner's mouth: "Too Much Information!" As frustrating as this phrase may be, if someone says it, you've obvious crossed the line. Sometimes you may be several miles past the line. So be liberal with the amount of information you reveal. And be sure your level of intimacy matches that of the other person. You'll have no problem connecting with someone as if you "already know each other."

How engaged is the other person?
Remember this: two monologues do not make a dialogue. (Some people just yap back and forth without engaging the other person like they're talking to a wall!) So incorporate both people! An important phrase you can use to assure the dialogue is: "What About You?" This sentence is the epitome of having an Other Orientation.

It also allows you to turn the tables. Stop talking for once and find out what they're thinking. If you reciprocate back and forth and keep both parties engaged, you will be well on your way to creating an unforgettable first impression.

Are they uncertain?
A common reason people feel uncertain during the limited first impression window is the forgetting of names. A person's name is the sweetest sound they'll ever hear, but even more shocking is that a person's name is the single context of human memory most apt to be forgotten.

So ASSUME that they have forgotten your name, and provide them with some help accordingly. First of all, wear your nametag. There's nothing more frustrating than unexpectedly being unable to use a nametag as crutch for a brain fart.

Secondly, practice the "Third Person Trick." This involves telling a story or an anecdote about yourself that helps others with your name without them suffering a loss of face. For example:

"So when the airport security said, '...Scott Ginsberg, please come with us for a body cavity search,' I knew I was in trouble."

"Oh thank you for saying your name!" they silently say to themselves.

Works every time!

Has the other person discovered how similar they are to you yet?
As soon as you can, find out how you're similar to your conversation partner. You will see it in their eyes. Make sure THEY know there's something similar. This allows you to focus on how they feel about themselves. So remember these two things:
1) People like others whom they ARE like; and
2) As Napoleon Hill said, "You are a human magnet and you are constantly attracting people whose characteristics harmonize with your own."

Are you satisfying their need to feel appreciated?
The number one hierarchical need of humans is the need to feel appreciated and included - and it's your job in every conversation, interaction and first impression to satisfy this need.

During a late night shift at the front drive of the Ritz Carlton in St. Louis, several gentlemen asked me to call them a cab downtown. As we waited for the taxi to arrive, one of them asked, "So, Scott - got anyone special staying here at the Ritz tonight?"

"Sir," I smiled, "All of our guests at the Ritz Carlton are special."

The group roared in laughter! The man patted me on the shoulder and nodded his head in gratitude.

"Thanks for that Scott - that's why we love this hotel!"

It's All About Them
If you ask and answer these seven questions, you and your conversation partner will feel like you've known each other for years. What's more, you'll make them feel appreciated, superior and comfortable while interacting with you - all because you remembered that it ain't about you!

The ambush. We have all been there.

You are in the grocery store, pushing your cart around the corner when WHAM! You run into that woman with the big blue eyes. You met her at that local meeting or perhaps some business lunch. Either way, you remember that face. but what is her name? Before your mind can get any further than that thought, she smiles and says, "Hi Joe, how are you?" Now you are really trapped. She remembers your name!!

During my years as a professional memory trainer, I can not tell you how many variations of this story I have heard. The truth is most people have trouble remembering names. This is because our memories are not designed to learn names through verbal cues. Our memory works through image, action, and emotion.











Here are my six steps to never forgetting a name again:

1) Create Facial Files
When you meet a person for the first time, pick out something striking about their facial appearance. Perhaps it is their nose, large forehead, or lips. It is important that when picking out these features you stay away from hair (of any kind) or glasses because all of these can change over time.

2) Introduction: Stop and listen
Do not think about what you are going to say. Too often, we meet someone and immediately transition into another conversation. Next time you meet someone try these techniques:

Pay attention
Repeat their name back to them three times. Don't overdo it.
3) Turn Names into Pictures
This converts the name into an image, which is the language of your memory. For instance when you meet Barbara think of a barbed wire fence. Attaching a picture to a name is simple and because you will run into so many people with the same names, you will need fewer images than you think.
4) Take the Picture and Glue the Image of the Name to the Person's Face or Upper Body
This will sink it into your memory. For instance, if you pictured barbed wire for Barbara, now picture her wrapped in barbed wire. This links the image to an action, and that is the language of your mind. Make the picture vivid and the action memorable.











5) Tie the First and Second Name Together
Use a chain of visualization when you need to remember both. Just make sure you keep them in the correct order.

6) Review
This step is dependent on how long you want to remember the name. You do not need to do this with every person. However, if you want to remember something long term, review it in one hour, one day, and one week.

More than anything, remember to be patient with yourself when you put these new skills to practice.

After reading and researching thousands of books, articles and other resources on communication, first impressions, networking and conversation, I’ve learned one thing: none of them address what approachability means. Or maybe they just don’t take the time to define it, stress its importance and offer suggestions on how to maximize it.

That research was my impetus for writing The Power of Approachability. I wanted to give people a clear picture of what the idea meant, along with many small tips and suggestions to put that idea to use – one conversation at a time.

So, straight from the pages of the book, here are my Top Ten Ways to Maximize Your Approachability.











Ready to Engage
The word approachability derives from the Latin verb appropriare, which means “to come nearer to.” Interesting. It doesn’t say anything about the approach-er or the approach-ee. Just “to come nearer to.” So the first idea to remember is that approachability is a two way street. It’s both you stepping onto someone else’s front porch; and you inviting someone to step onto your front porch.

Although this article will address both sides of the street, here’s an example of the former. When you arrive at a meeting, event, party or anywhere in which many conversations will take place, prepare yourself. Be “ready to engage” with conversation topics, questions and stories in the back of your mind ready to go as soon as you meet someone. This will help you avoid those awkward “How’s the weather” type of discussions.

CPI
This acronym stands for the Common Point of Interest. It’s an essential element to every conversation and interaction. Your duty, as you meet new people, or even as you talk with those you already know, is to discover the CPI as soon as possible. It connects people to you. It allows them to feel more comfortable talking to you. And it increases your approachability inasmuch as people will be magnetized to you due to the commonality you share.

A great tip is to ask the right type of questions. Similar to our first example, “ready to engage,” you don’t want to ask people about the weather. You can do better than that! Instead, ask questions that begin with “What’s your favorite…” “Tell me the best…” or “When was the last time…” The CPI is almost guaranteed to be discovered.


Flavored Answers
In the event that one of those Fruitless Questions like “How’s it going?” “What’s up?” or “How are you?” comes up, don’t fall into the F.I.N.E. trap. In fact, fine isn’t even a word. No, seriously! I looked the word up in 23 different dictionaries and it wasn’t listed! Upon further research I discovered that F.I.N.E. is an acronym for “Feelings I’m Not Expressing.”

A great technique is to offer a Flavored Answer to a Fruitless Question. Instead of “fine,” try “Amazing!” “Any better and I’d be twins!” or “Everything is beautiful.” Your conversation partner will instantly change his or her demeanor as they smile and, most of the time, inquirer further to find out what made you say that answer. Because nobody expects it. And offering a true response to magnify the way you feel is a perfect way to share yourself with others, or “make yourself personally available” to others.

Don’t Cross Your Arms
Even if it’s cold, even if you’re bored, even if you’re tired and don’t want to be there – don’t cross your arms. It’s such a simple, subconscious non-verbal cue that too many people practice and it hinders their approachability.

As a result, people won’t want to “bother” you. They will form the impression that you are defensive, nervous, judgmental, close minded or skeptical. Honestly, would you want to approach someone like that? I know I wouldn’t.

Don’t Assume
Every time you assume, you end up making an … yeah, yeah, yeah – we get it. Or do we? How many times have we uttered one of the following sentences, only to be stricken with a terrible case of Foot-In-Mouth Disease?


You must be new here?

How’s work going?

Do you remember me?

Remember, just because someone walks in whom you’ve never seen before – doesn’t mean he’s new. Or just because you’re at a networking meeting – doesn’t mean everyone in attendance has a job. And believe me, not everyone you remember – remembers you.

Approachability is a function of comfort, so it’s important to sidestep these moments of embarrassment with Success Sentences. These are phrases that allow the other person to offer you’re the information you need to know. Examples include, “I’m not sure we’ve met before,” “What are you working on this week?” and “I’m Scott, we met last month at the Chamber meeting.”

Options for Communication
Your friends, colleagues, customers and coworkers will chose to communicate with you in different ways. Some will choose face to face, some will email, others will call, while others will do a little of everything. The bottom line is: make all of them available. On your business cards, email signatures, websites or marketing materials, let people know that can get in touch with you in whatever manner they choose. Sure, you might prefer email. But what matters most is the comfort of the other person and their ability to communicate effectively.

A good idea is to give people as many options to contact you as possible. There’s nothing more annoying to a “phone person” than when she discovers she can’t get a hold of you unless she emails you.











Email Signature
Whatever program you use for email - Outlook, Eudora, Yahoo, Hotmail - find out how to customize your signature. There's nothing more frustrating than receiving an email from someone who wants to talk further, get together or have you send them something that doesn't have any personal information in the email. So at the end of every email you send, always cross reference the following information:


Name

Title

Company/Organization

Mailing address

At least two phone numbers

Fax number

Email address

Website

A sentence or two about yourself, your company or your job

Think of it this way: have you ever received a handwritten letter from someone that had no return address stamped on the envelope?

Always Have Business Cards
Have you ever told a story about a successful, serendipitous business encounter that ended with the phrase, “Thank God I had one of my business cards with me that day!”? If so, great! You’re practicing approachability by being “easy to reach.”

If not, you’ve no doubt missed out on valuable relationships and opportunities. And it happens – people forget cards, get their supply reprinted or change jobs. But the bottom line is; there is a time and place for networking: ANY time and ANY place. Because you just never know whom you might meet.

No Fear
They won’t say hello back to me. They won’t be interested in me. I will make a fool of myself.

This is the number one reason people don’t start conversations. However, practice will make this fear fade away. The more you often you start conversations, the better you will become at it. So, be the first to introduce yourself or say hello. When you take an active instead of a passive role, your skills will develop and there will be less of a chance for rejection. Also understand the gains vs. losses. For example, what’s so bad about a rejection from someone you don’t even know?

Wear Your Nametag
I’ve heard every possible complaint about wearing nametags, and all of them can be validated. Case in point:


Nametags look silly – yes, they do. But remember, everyone else is wearing them too.

Nametags ruin my clothes – not if you wear them on the edge of your lapel or use cloth-safe connectors like lanyards and plastic clips.

But I already know everybody – no you don’t. You may think you do, but new people come in and out of businesses and organizations all the time.

But everyone already knows me – no they don’t. Even the best networkers know there’s always someone new to meet.

Your nametag is your best friend for several reasons. First of all, a person’s name is the single context of human memory most forgotten. And people are less likely to approach you if they don’t know (or forgot) your name. Secondly, it’s free advertising for you and your company. Third, nametags encourage people to be friendly and more approachable. TRUST me on that one!